All By Myself. ?>

All By Myself.

This post is for the Blog Exchange “Blog like nobody’s reading” prompt.

Nine weeks ago I broke my foot. Which is pretty crappy in itself.

moonboot

The worst part though? It’s made me realise how alone I am. That I literally have no one I can ask for help. Of course my husband is fantastic, but he works long hours. My mother-in-law has been wonderful, driving me to appointments when she can, but she works also.

So that’s it.

For nine weeks I’ve been walking my daughter to and from kinder every day. On crutches at the start, then eventually just in the moonboot. Sometimes in the rain. Moonboot, two umbrellas, a school bag and a four year old. I’ve been offered a lift exactly twice in the past nine weeks. Most of the times the kinder mums just drive right on past me. I guess I can’t blame them, I haven’t been able to make friends with any of them. I’m always so busy at drop off and pick up managing Milla, I don’t have the opportunity to join in with their small talk when they all stand together chatting. I made it once to the park after kinder, and actually managed to talk for a few minutes. But then Milla saw a bee and had a meltdown and we had to leave.

It’s a startling realisation when you take the time to think about it. I’ve had nine weeks (and counting) to think about nothing else really. I’ve never had my family to rely on, so that at least was nothing new (though a depressing reminder). However to be nearly 35 and have literally not one person to ask for help and support is downright depressing. The only person who has even thought to ‘check in’ with me over this time has been my beautiful friend Lisa from Two Point Five Kids, who I chat online with nearly every day. Lisa, who lives on the other side of the country, and whom I’ve never even met.

My phone stays quiet.

I’ve cried a lot over the past nine weeks. Sometimes from the pain. Sometimes from the frustration. Sometimes from the loneliness. Of course the Black Dog has been hanging around, as he does when I am at my most fragile. Telling me what a shit person I am, how disposable I am, how I’m really not worth the effort it takes to be my friend. I can’t run as fast from him when I’m physically broken on top of the usual emotionally broken. But still I run, never stop running.

I’m sure this gloom will pass. My foot will eventually heal (surely?!?) and life will continue. I will put my game face back on, hide my vulnerability and remind myself that I don’t need anyone’s help.

The worst part of being strong

 

Linking up with~

I Must Confess

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33 thoughts on “All By Myself.

  1. That really sucks having no one to help and I feel for you. My husband had a knee injury late last year that took months to heal and required two surgeries. We would have been lost without help from my parents. I never manage to make friends or be in any Mummy cliques at school or sport either. I hope you’re feeling better very soon.
    Ness recently posted…The Nessville Saga So FarMy Profile

  2. Sometimes we all need reminders of what we could & should be doing for those around and you have reminded us of this so gracefully & without judgement in your writing. Thankyou.

    I wish you speedier recovery than what you have had and that the other kindermums realise what a dear you are and what they could easily do to make a difference for someone. xo

  3. Being an autism parent can be lonely. I don’t catch up with friends that much anymore just because it’s too hard. I don’t ring anyone anymore because it’s too exhausting after dealing with bursts of meltdowns every afternoon. On the weekends we just want to hibernate as a family so we have the energy to do it all again when the week kicks off again. It’s not until you are confined to the house or put in this sort of situation that you realise how isolated you can become with this pattern. I’m sorry I haven’t reached out before this Jane – happy to chinwag, vent or just have a cry anytime x
    Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted…I Must Confess…I’m scaredMy Profile

    1. Thank you Kristy, I really appreciate it xx
      I especially feel that way when it comes to making friends with the other mums at kinder. I’m always on ‘high alert’ with Milla, and can never just relax and have a chat like they all seem to do. Maybe things will be different once she settles in to school next year. At least I’ll have 13 years to try and build some friendships!
      Jane recently posted…All By Myself.My Profile

  4. I wish I knew what to say… I think I rely so heavily on my online interactions because I don’t have a lot of friends or family around here either. It can be very sobering (and quite scary) at those times when you actually need some help. Please reach out if those thoughts become too much x

  5. Oh Jane. Reading this just breaks my heart. I have often written on my blog about acts of kindness and trying not to be caught up in our own busy and to think of others. But to see you right there at pick up and drop off or hobbling past as they are driving especially in the rain and to do nothing!? What is happening in this world of ours. I don’t know where you live but if you lived near me I would be more than happy to help.
    I know the feeling of not having any family to rely on but 18 months ago when I was diagnosed with Cancer my friends really rallied around and helped. You are amazing to get through it all on your own! Thoughts of healing thoughts and wishes and virtual hugs coming your way xx

    1. Thanks so much Sarah. I’m so glad you’ve got some amazing friends around you, I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through. Much love and hugs to you too xx
      Jane recently posted…All By Myself.My Profile

  6. Massive hugs. We’ve moved 22 times and now so far away from family and friends. I’ve always been the new kid on the school block doing double time to fit in.

    This move, I just didn’t have it in me to do the double time. I suppose with the blog, I’ve been focusing on the online friends.

    I collapsed at home while hubby was at sea and spent three days in bed with my girls living off toast and two minute noodles because I was off to do grocery shopping when I collapsed and we really didn’t have anyone to call for help. I’m thankful my girls are a tad older but it still brings home we need that extra support and a back up plan.

    Perhaps finding some online friends that are in the same boat might help while you are feeling like this. Of course it’s not going to help with the day to day struggles while you are out of action with you foot. Gosh I hope it mends soon.

    Thinking of you.
    Raychael aka Mystery Case recently posted…It’s my life… {Worth Casing Wednesday Linkup}My Profile

    1. Thank you Raychael. It must be so hard for you with hubby being away so often, I honestly don’t think I could have coped on my own. I’m so sorry you are missing that support also. Online friends are wonderful, and some of my closest, but man it’s hard when you just need that physical support. Groceries in the cupboard, kids driven to school etc. xx
      Jane recently posted…All By Myself.My Profile

  7. Oh Jane, I really feel for you. It’s so easy to feel isolated and alone simply being a mum but having a major injury too just makes it so much worse. Look after yourself and hope that leg heels quickly for you

  8. Jane, my heart goes out to you. That bloody black dog likes to hover around and sit heavily in our laps when he notices a crack or two appearing. As Hugzilla suggested, reach out where you can… and gain strength from your resilience that has proved its self time and again throughout your years of challenges. Xx

  9. I can relate to this Jane cos: 1. I’m bad at asking for help; and 2. am single etc. I used to worry that something would happen to me and no one would find me for days until my work colleagues wondered where I was. I had day surgery in Brisbane a few times when I lived there and didn’t like to ask anyone to pick me up so had to taxi and fib to the surgeon and tell them I had someone at home waiting for me to watch over me. I’m fairly sure if I’d asked a friend to drop me off or pick me up they could have taken time off work to do it… I just didn’t like to ask. I assumed things would be different if I’d had a partner, but reading your post I realise it probably wouldn’t have been the case.

    At least you can perhaps make some plans… once you’re mobile again – chatting to the other mums at drop off or organising a play date etc.

    Thanks for sharing.
    Deborah recently posted…Things that help me copeMy Profile

    1. Thanks Deborah, yes I am very bad at asking for help also. Perhaps that is how I fund myself in this position, I am too stubborn and independent for my own good! xx
      Jane recently posted…All By Myself.My Profile

  10. Oh Jane, I want to give you a big squishy hug!! I wish I lived near you because I would help you out without question. I feel sad thinking of you hobbling along with your broken foot to kinder every day – rain, hail, shine – on crutches or in your moon boot! You tell that black dog to piss off. He bothers me sometimes but I’ve become better at getting rid of him. I’ve read that your daughter is on the spectrum….so is my son who is now 22. Things get better Jane :-) xo
    Min@WriteoftheMiddle recently posted…Mindful Monday: Move that body!My Profile

  11. Oh Jane.. never before I have I so desperately wanted to hug someone so bad like I do right now. I honestly wish with all my heart you lived close by because it would be my pleasure to drive you. Shame on those self centred mums at kindy for not seeing someone who could really use a hand. If they have time to stand around and talk.. they have time to ask if you are OK and need a hand. I would love to shake them and say WTF!!!! I know that awful place you find yourself in when you are injured and feel so alone. I have felt it and it was what led to the black dog biting me on the ass too. I know it doesnt substitute a helping hand and a shoulder to lean on in person – but promise me you will keep talking your way through this with all of us. Just keep talking until the fog lifts ok cause we are all here for you xx
    Sonia Life Love Hiccups recently posted…Aren’t We All At Least a Little Self Conscious?My Profile

    1. Thank you my beautiful friend. Your kind words made me quite emotional, I read your comment out to my husband, and my voice kept breaking.Much love to you. Thank you xx
      Jane recently posted…All By Myself.My Profile

  12. Oh Jane I literally have tears in my eyes reading your post. What a terrible bunch of women to not offer help to someone clearly in need of a little. I hated the whole school mum thing as I just can’t do cliques and inner circles. I hope your foot heals quickly and you are up and about soon enough. Please keep writing and posting and sharing your thoughts with us all. I wish I could help you personally but instead I’m sending a massive virtual hug xxx
    Malinda @thestylewithin recently posted…The One With All The Feelings…..My Profile

    1. Thanks so much Malinda. I really hate the whole ‘clique’ thing to, and it seems quite rampant at kinder! At least it’s only one year I suppose, hopefully there will be a few school mums who I can click with xx
      Jane recently posted…All By Myself.My Profile

      1. Awesome blog! Do you have any hints for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you propose starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m totally confused .. Any suggestions? Bless you!

  13. I know what you mean. When my marriage broke down, I had noone. Everyone, who I used to call friend just disappeared and I had to rely on my sister to someone see me through the next horrible few years. There was never a friend to call on, or inquire if they could help.

    I feel lucky that I have such great friends here in Ballarat, even though I’ve only been here for three years. I know there are school mums I can rely on in an emergency and other friends I can call if I need to get out for a coffee.

    I hope you’re able to make friends soon. Maybe when Milla goes to school? Hang in there.
    Dorothy recently posted…On being a bitchMy Profile

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