I talk a lot about how I am ‘breaking the cycle.’ Like it’s easy. Like this was my plan the whole time.
I come from a long line of dysfunction. Mental illness runs rife throughout my family history. I didn’t think I would make it here. Functioning. Raising a daughter, being a wife. Alive. I very nearly didn’t.
I don’t really know how I made it out, where I got the strength to just keep trying even when every fibre of me wanted to give up. Luck maybe?
Not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone can break the cycle that they were born in to without a choice in the world.
I want to be angry at my mother. Hell, a lot of the time I am. So angry that she couldn’t break the cycle, that she tried to take us all down with her. Why couldn’t she be stronger? Why couldn’t she love us and fight for us like we deserved? Why would she want us to ever feel like she did, sad and lost and scared?
Mostly now though, as much as anger is an easier emotion to deal with, I just feel sad. So, so sad. She never had a chance really. Born to parents that didn’t or couldn’t love her. Never knowing security or unconditional love. Both her brothers committed suicide, staying alive was her achievement for us.
I’m filled with hate and venom for her parents. I want to rage at them. FUCK YOU. You broke her and set her up for a life of trying to break anyone that came close to her. Were they caught up in the same cycle though? How far does it go back? Who can I blame, because damn it, I need to blame someone.
Her damaged brain is winning the war now. I’m not sure if there is anything else left? Will I ever see the glimpses of my mum again? I don’t really know how to feel. My mother has hurt me more than anyone else in my life. She has broken my heart over and over again. I have fought hard, so hard to be the person I am. Despite of her.
But she is my mum. She must have done something right, because I did it. I broke the cycle. There will be no more little girls feeling lost and sad and scared in our family. And one day when she finally finds her peace, I hope she will be proud of me.