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Category: Grief

Breaking The Cycle. ?>

Breaking The Cycle.

I talk a lot about how I am ‘breaking the cycle.’ Like it’s easy. Like this was my plan the whole time. I come from a long line of dysfunction. Mental illness runs rife throughout my family history. I didn’t think I would make it here. Functioning. Raising a daughter, being a wife. Alive. I very nearly didn’t.  I don’t really know how I made it out, where I got the strength to just keep trying even when every fibre…

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One. Not Only. ?>

One. Not Only.

Dear Milla, I’m sorry. I know how desperately you want to be a big sister. How much you want to have a little brother or sister of your own. I understand, I spent eighteen years as an ‘only’ child wishing I had a brother or sister to share my childhood with. I swore I would never have an ‘only’ child, I always dreamed of having a big family. Your Daddy grew up with three brothers, I think he also hoped for…

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The Window To My Soul ~ An Update. ?>

The Window To My Soul ~ An Update.

It’s been six weeks since my last major eye haemorrhage. My vision has slowly been deteriorating, even as my eyes begin to adjust more to limited vision. I have constant bruises on my body from where I bump into things, and misjudge doorways and bench tops. Being visually impaired whilst living with a three year old is like competing in a crazy obstacle course, blind folded. I end every day with pain killers, for the splitting headache caused by constant…

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The Window To My Soul. ?>

The Window To My Soul.

My windows are broken, and the shards are tugging and tearing at my soul. Yesterday I had another haemorrhage in my eye, the worst I’ve had in a long time. (You can read more about my battle with Diabetic Retinopathy here) The blood has clouded my vision so badly, I can barely see. As usual, the specialists have no answers. They can’t tell me why I have had another bleed. They can’t tell me why years of laser therapy hasn’t…

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One Moment Of Time. ?>

One Moment Of Time.

 *Trigger warning: This post may raise issues for readers who have experience with depression and/or suicide.*   I’m lying in bed writing this on my phone. I don’t know if I’ll publish it. I’ve always hated bloggers who appear to jump on a bandwagon. Turn a tragedy into blog fodder. The thing is, I can’t stop thinking about Charlotte Dawson. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that she has died. That there is no second chance, no opportunity for…

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Six Years. ?>

Six Years.

~10th of October 2007~   I walked into a room one day thinking I carried one, I learnt I was a mummy to two yet walked away with none. Identical in every way, including the angel wings they’d grown. Before I had a chance to know them to heaven they had flown. They blessed me with their sister, a girl wise beyond her years. I think they may have told her about all my fallen tears. My destiny in life…

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R U OK? I wasn’t. ?>

R U OK? I wasn’t.

 *Trigger warning: This post may raise issues for readers who have experience with self-harm, depression or suicide.* This is the most difficult post I have written on my blog. It is a side of myself that I keep very private. What I am writing about will come as a surprise to most people I know including some very close friends.  And that is kind of the point. Mental illness is not black and white. It is not always obvious. It…

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Diabetes Denial. ?>

Diabetes Denial.

It was Melbourne Cup Day, 1989. I sat on the bed in the Drs surgery, swinging my legs, waiting, whilst the Dr rang the local hospital to let them know I would be coming in. I was nine years old, and our GP had just given me a finger prick test and diagnosed me with Insulin Dependent Diabetes. (Also known at Type One Diabetes or Juvenile Diabetes) I had no idea that my life would never be the same again….

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I Choose Love. ?>

I Choose Love.

By now most people will have seen the horrific photos and footage from the murder of Drummer Lee Rigby in Woolwich, London, yesterday. The graphic details and images of this crime deeply sickened and disturbed me, as I’m sure they did, many others. That was the point of this crime. It was a hate crime. The perpetrators wanted to shock and horrify people, they wanted to incite hatred and anger. They want everyone to remember their faces, their words, the…

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What to write? ?>

What to write?

When I started this blog, it was all about the “journey”. Where I had been and what I had to do to get to where I am now. To get my ‘Happily Ever After’. Married to my soul mate, mother to my beautiful daughter. All the crap that I lived through, all the pain and hurt, and mistakes that I had made, to get me to this point. To my family. It wasn’t smooth sailing. Things were lost along the…

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