Dear Milla, I’m sorry. I know how desperately you want to be a big sister. How much you want to have a little brother or sister of your own. I understand, I spent eighteen years as an ‘only’ child wishing I had a brother or sister to share my childhood with. I swore I would never have an ‘only’ child, I always dreamed of having a big family. Your Daddy grew up with three brothers, I think he also hoped for…
~10th of October 2007~ I walked into a room one day thinking I carried one, I learnt I was a mummy to two yet walked away with none. Identical in every way, including the angel wings they’d grown. Before I had a chance to know them to heaven they had flown. They blessed me with their sister, a girl wise beyond her years. I think they may have told her about all my fallen tears. My destiny in life…
Five years and one day ago, I sat in a small room on my own, whilst a sonographer told me that not only was I carrying identical twins, but they had both died. Five years ago today I walked into a hospital, with two tiny baby inside me, and woke up from a general anaesthetic empty. With a gaping hole not just where my babies had been, but also where my heart had been. Time passed. Life went on. I finally…
In 2007, my whole world changed forever when my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, made even more traumatic with the discovery that I was carrying twins. For 12 months, I suffered in silence, not understanding my grief, thinking I should be ‘over it’. Crying every day, in secret, trying to ignore the ache in me that just wouldn’t go away. Then one day, I stumbled across a facebook page called ‘Bears of Hope’. I visited the website, joined the online…
I have an issue. It started just over 4 years ago. After I lost my twins. I became addicted to home pregnancy tests. From that day on, I became obsessed with carrying life. I’m ashamed to say, it didn’t matter what circumstance I was in, I just wanted to see two pink lines. I did use birth control, but nothing is 100%, and as it approached ‘that time of the month’, there was alway a part of me that wondered,…
For a long time after I lost the twins, I kept it all inside. I felt like I didn’t have the right to be sad, to grieve them. I told myself that it was ‘just a miscarriage’, get over it. Yet every day, there was an aching sadness in me that I couldn’t shake. Every single day was filled with ‘what ifs’. What if they were still alive? My stomach would be as big as that lady I just walked…
About 4 years ago, I discovered I was pregnant. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend, due to his serious substance abuse issues. I was living by myself, for the first time in my life. I did a home pregnancy test at 11pm at night. I used every test in the pack, then drove down the store and bought another pack, just to be sure. They were all positive. I burst into tears and rang my best friend at…