My Choice. ?>

My Choice.

{Originally published 01/08/11 on thehesitanthousewife.blogspot.com}

My greatest fear has always been that I will end up like my mother. And I’ll be honest, I have come close to walking down that path. I have made some very bad choices. I have done things I’m not proud of. I have succumbed to my weakness’s, and blamed my ‘bad childhood’ for the messes I have made. Of course, my low self esteem and poor role models have contributed. Eventually though, there comes a time, when a person has to take responsibility for their actions, and be accountable. To stop being the victim, and to make a choice about the kind of person that they want to be. I think that’s where my mother lost her way. She can’t get past her childhood, she’s never moved on, she’s never been accountable. She will never see the damage that she causes, because she will always see herself as the victim.

I think it has taken me a long time to come to this realisation. That if I didn’t want to become like her, I had to think differently to her. I had to stop blaming her, and realise that I am an adult, that she does not control me anymore, and only I can control the decisions I make in my life. That if I didn’t want my life to be miserable, I had to stop making choices that made me miserable. Of course, this all sounds very self aware and intelligent. As always, thinking something is much easier than living it. I still have days when I am that self indulgent child- ‘Why me? Why did I have such crap parents? Why did nobody love me?” All those old insecurities rise up, and threaten to engulf me. However, something happened, in my life, that has forced me to become even more self aware. Not just for myself necessarily. For my daughter.

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Never has the pressure to not be like my mother been stronger than since I became a mother. To a little girl. A little girl just like me. A little girl born into this world clean and pure and innocent. A little girl who knows nothing about being unloved or abandoned. A little girl who will never know about being unloved or abandoned. Being the kind of mother my daughter deserves is my biggest challenge. I have no role model, I am far from perfect. Below the surface, I am filled with self doubt and insecurity. But none of that is her problem. So I promise myself, and my daughter, that every day, I will make the decision not to be like my mother. I will make choices that reflect who I want to be, not who I was. My past, will not be her future.

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7 thoughts on “My Choice.

  1. Accepting responsibility is huge. And rare.
    We are not always responsible for the positions/situations we find ourselves in, but the directions we choose to deal with those situations are our own. Or should be. And yes, it is a work in progress for me too.
    Congratulations.

  2. It can be the hardest thing to move past, being let down by a parent. I’ve been there too, and still figuring out how to just get on with life. It sounds like you are well on your way, and a wonderful mum :)

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