Everything I ever wanted, yet still not quite enough.

I have everything I ever wanted. An amazing husband, and a beautiful daughter; my own little family who love me. Yet somehow, it is not quite enough.

I haven’t had a conversation with anyone apart from my husband for a week. And that was just a quick conversation with my mum at midnight to wish her a happy new year.

I am so desperately lonely. I spend 12+ hours a day with a two year old with limited language. I spend the majority of my day feeling like I am endlessly bashing my head against a brick wall.

I had this image of what life would be like as a mother. I imagined spending time with other mothers, our children playing together, as we had a coffee and compared notes on children, husbands, life, blah blah, blah. I did not picture staring at my daughter at 10am and thinking, “what the fuck do I do for the next 10 hours?” Admittedly I did not expect that pregnancy would rob me of my ability to drive. I also did not expect my not having the ability to drive to rob me of my friendships.

Yet here I am. Truth be told, I have no ‘in real life’ friends. Not friends that I see regularly, speak to regularly, friends that I would call and say “I am not coping today”.

Monday rolls around, and I take a deep breath and brace myself. For 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, just me and a two year old. Just me and my daughter, who I love to the moon and back, but who doesn’t understand me, and who I struggle to understand. Who, as newly diagnosed as autistic, has yet to learn how to interact with me, and I with her. Who, quite frankly is a toddler, and really, who can survive on just the company of a toddler, autistic or not?

I have everything I ever wanted, yet I want more. I need more. I need to be more than a wife and a mother. I am never alone, yet always lonely.

pier

 

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50 comments on “Everything I ever wanted, yet still not quite enough.

  • Renee , Direct link to comment

    Wow exactly as I’m feeling. A almost 2 year old and 33 weeks pregnant. 3 days a week at work keeps me sane. With 6 months off when #2 is born I’m already dreading the ground hog days with no family or friends close by for support. Lots of love to you

  • nyree hunter , Direct link to comment

    Sometimes life is just a neverending cycle of stuff that has to be done, and sadly this gets in the way of what really matters, so although I haven’t been the best at reaching out to you in the real world, please feel free to count me in on your list of people you can call at anytime, for any reason. X

  • Allison , Direct link to comment

    I totally feel your pain. I am a mum of two children who are 6 and 8. I had my children in QLD and then moved back to NSW so I never joined a mother’s group. I’ve never really had a lot of friends but don’t have any at the moment. My mum and I spend quite a bit of time together as I don’t have anyone else except my partner. I am such a nice person and a great friend but for some reason find it hard to make friends. I have no idea why. I’m so lonely too. Pity you don’t live closer.

  • Kylie , Direct link to comment

    Oh Jane – let’s meet up. My little gang of girls would love to play with your Milla. I would love to meet you. Email me- we will go to the park/beach/anywhere – just for fun. xo
    Kylie recently posted…photo-a-day | day sevenMy Profile

  • Nicole , Direct link to comment

    Whereabouts in Melbourne do you live? Being a parent is hard work, extremely lonely at times and you just need some friends to be there to support you. Would love to meet up if you live near me

  • Chrissie at Organised Chaos , Direct link to comment

    Don’t ever feel that you shouldn’t be feeling that way. Being a mum can be so isolating. I have a couple of friends who are mums of toddlers the same age as Master A but still, sometimes I feel so lonely. We are allowed to want adult contact beyond our partners, and we are allowed to want to be more than just a wife and mother. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I know from experience it’s not a nice feeling. xx
    Chrissie at Organised Chaos recently posted…Medical FilingMy Profile

  • Divine Sister , Direct link to comment

    This breaks my heart, because not only are you a dear friend, but the three days I am not at work, I too feel at a loose end without family and friends nearby. The distance between us is frustrating, and I feel like I can reach out to you but only ever in spirit and written word. But its just not enough, is it. Going by the replies above, there are others out there feeling exactly like you, who are close by. Take them up on their offers. These are friends in the making. Never feel guilty for feeling this way. Every mum, erm…human, needs more than the company of a toddler.
    Big hugs to you from across the world. Love ya xxxx

  • Elephant's Child , Direct link to comment

    Oh. I hear you, and I hurt with and for you. That isolation is so draining, and it takes away your inner person. You are a lot more than a wife and a mother. I love that people are responding and reaching out to you. I so hope that you get some ‘real’ friends to be with – on good days and on bad.
    Sending so many good wishes your way.

  • Mum Talks Autism , Direct link to comment

    I have three beautiful boys who all happen to have autism. As a mum of a newly diagnosed autistic child you are about to jump on a roller coaster of emotions, therapies not to mention wondering why this is happening. Autism is exhausting in itself let alone when you are already feeling isolated, alone and a little down.

    I’m not sure where you live but if you would like to email me your details (admin@mumtalksautism.com) I would love to connect you with some services in your area where you can connect with real life people and achieve all these things you are looking for.

    I believe you wrote this post for a reason and that reason is so with some support you can find what you are looking for. With a little help I really think we can do this. Everyone needs someone. We can do this together.

    I’m sending you loads of hugs and although it is only over a computer screen I am offering you my complete support. I hope to hear from you soon.

    Much Love MTA.
    Mum Talks Autism recently posted…A girl loving a boy. Autism and all.My Profile

  • Emily , Direct link to comment

    Being a mum is such a hard gig at times, and terribly isolating for so many of us. I have felt like this on and off for the past 4 years, and only recently, in the past 18 months have I really connected with a friend who I know I can ring and say how I really feel. I think what makes it even harder is that everyone just expects us mum to totally love everything about our lives, but that’s just not a reality. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now and that you’ve got some future catch up plans so you can unload on some people, it’s such great therapy xx Emily
    Emily recently posted…Don’t despair, Buzz Lightyear is here!My Profile

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      Thanks Emily. That’s wonderful that you have made such a good friend :)
      I have been on quite a few playdates since writing this post, and am working on putting myself ‘out there’ a bit more. xx
      Hesitant Housewife recently posted…What to write?My Profile

  • Twinkle in the Eye , Direct link to comment

    It’s hard isn’t it. You need to build things into your life that nurture you. I don;t what your life is like and what the possibilities are but you need to be pro-active about it, if you don’t you will only have more of the same. What are the things that stimulate you? What opportunities are there for you to find some ‘me’ time, some respite? Locally we have a parent support group for parents with children on the spectrum is there something like that near you? If there is not could you start one? Its the start of a New Year. Make it yours and if you need help or support to do that – find it! Counsellors can be wonderful for this and you can get free sessions through your GP.
    Twinkle in the Eye recently posted…Flash Blog Friday Linky PartyMy Profile

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      Thanks Bree. Since writing this I’ve started Milla one day a week in childcare, and also been putting myself ‘out there’ a bit more, and been meeting some other mums in the area. We are also just about to start at an Early Intervention Centre, so hopefully I can meet some other parents with children on the spectrum. xx
      Hesitant Housewife recently posted…What to write?My Profile

  • Grace , Direct link to comment

    I can relate to this. The isolation of motherhood almost broke me when the twins were babies.
    We need social interaction, that’s for sure. Maybe you can try and meet one of the mummy bloggers you’ve met and is also nearby?
    I know my life changed when I started blogging. It changed even more when I started meeting bloggers in the real life.
    Sending you hugs x
    Grace recently posted…FYBF Featured Flogger – Tracey from Bliss Amongst ChaosMy Profile

  • Krissy , Direct link to comment

    You are definitely not alone. After so many moves I am down to my sister and my mom and no real friends. I ended up having to go back to work and it turned out to be such a blessing. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom but my specific reality was so different than what I thought it would be. I hope things get better soon and you’re able to meet some other moms near you.

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      I feel exactly the same Krissy. I always wanted to be a stay at home, but the reality is much different to how I imagined. I’ve just started my daughter one day a week in childcare, so may look at finding a part time job in the future.
      Hesitant Housewife recently posted…What to write?My Profile

  • Helen , Direct link to comment

    Isn’t it funny how the universe talks to us…I have been feeling a little flat the last couple of days as my hubby also returned to work after our summer holiday. I’m new at this mummy thing (with a 6 month old) but now that the ‘craziness’ of it all being new has started to settle I was feeling a little the same way…when I read your post I laughed out loud and also had a tear.

    Even though we may not be able to meet or ‘play’ together, your blog and your honesty is so amazing and an opportunity for you to connect with so many other people feeling the same way. Good on you for voicing something that I think every mummy feels at some stage !

    I’m going to embark on more projects for ‘me’ that are manageable with a little one, I think you should also think about some more things just for ‘you’ !

    Lots of Love & Light ! Helen xx
    Helen recently posted…Be you. Find you. Be happy with that.My Profile

  • Deb @ Home life simplified , Direct link to comment

    Oh Jane – so glad I came to read this – sending you the biggest hugs – i am so glad I read all the comments and see there are people nearby, people with experience with autism and people who can relate so much to your post. I predict 2013 will be a big year for you – full of good things and connections and growth – love to you hon!
    Deb @ Home life simplified recently posted…All about Evie – part one – meetingMy Profile

  • Nicole , Direct link to comment

    I can relate. I once lost my voice and didn’t know until my partner got home from work that night. I hope things start looking up for you soon.
    Nicole recently posted…ListmaniaMy Profile

  • Cassandra , Direct link to comment

    I’m right there with you. I barely leave the house unless it’s to go to a medical appointment for me or one of the kids. When my hubby left the house this morning I looked up at him and said “I hate it when you go away”… because it means I’m home, alone, with a 6 month old. She’s beautiful and perfect and to be honest a very ‘easy’ baby… but I’m so lonely…
    Cassandra recently posted…5 things that do… things.My Profile

  • Kim @ bachelormum style , Direct link to comment

    Lonliness is awful. I have a v. Close family member who also feels similar because she has a flock of small kids and can’t get out to be with other mums and it hurts to watch. Looks like here the community is rallying for you. Bless. Happy mothers day, kimx

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