I Hate My Body. ?>

I Hate My Body.

I hate my body. Not because it’s fat and not because it’s thin. Not because it’s fast and not because it’s slow. Not because it’s strong, and not because it’s weak.

I hate my body because of what it can’t do, not because of what it can. This body cannot carry another baby. This body cannot carry life without the risk of taking the quality of mine. And more importantly, the quality of my daughters mother. The quality of my husbands wife. I know this. I accept this.

Except I don’t. Except sometimes I’m ‘late’, and I entertain a fantasy. A fantasy that I’m pregnant, and it’s OK, it’s meant to be. That I have another chance to feel my stomach swell, to feel the kicks, to feel life, squirming inside of me. That I wont go blind, that my body will not fail me. That my daughter will get a brother or sister, my husband will get another daughter or a son. That I will get another chance. That it will all work out just fine.

Except it doesn’t. Because I’m not pregnant. Because I can’t be. Because chances are it wont be OK. Chances are I would go blind. So I think, when I realise that I am not accidentally pregnant, I am supposed to be relieved.

Except I’m not.

The very last time.
The very last time.

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41 thoughts on “I Hate My Body.

  1. I feel for you. I have had 2 horrible pregnancies, both nearly ending very early, and lots of complications. I can empathise with you, wanting to feel that excitement again but knowing that it isn’t safe for another. I’d gladly keep having babies as long I didn’t have to be pregnant. (((((Hugs)))))

      1. “Why is it important to be healthy and active?It is important to be healthy and active to keep our body in good condition as they say healthy body, healthy mind. And to prevent ourself from getting ovweheigrt, which will help avoid illness. It’s vital that you look after our body and stay healthy to prolong our life. Our life is a gift from GOD we must not take it from granted!

  2. I know that feeling for you and know exactly how you feel wanting the excitement and just one more chance but you can’t and it sucks…
    Big hugs Jane, your not alone xoxo

      1. Hei Ingrid Louise! SYnes du det; sÃ¥ gøy! Tusen takk, det var koselig Ã¥ høre. Jeg er sikker pÃ¥ at hos deg; der hadde denne grÃ¥ fargen blitt bare LEKKER! LÃ¥n med deg trekkene hjem og se; jeg er sikker pÃ¥ at du blir fornøyd! Jeg vasker mine hvite trekk hele veien, 40 grader i maskinen, og pÃ¥ stryketørr i tÃreret¸ommelkn. Like fine hver gang, og det e jo en stor pluss! Blir spennende Ã¥ se hvordan disse blir i bruk etter en stund;). Ha en fin dag, klem

      1. Vera Bom dia,Procuro trabalho para a época de Natal, sou recÃim-Licenc©ada mas como ainda não consegui o trabalho na área estou à procura de um trabalho para sobreviver. Tenho disponibilidade imediata.

  3. Oh I ache for you, I know how you feel to an extent and that cycle of hope and grief can pack a punch. It’s ok to mourn the loss of the opportunity, it’s ok to rage and be a little angry at how unfair it is. Wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a great big hug.
    Kyla @ Three Quarters Full recently posted…Lub-DubMy Profile

  4. I’m so sorry. Big hugs to you. I struggled with infertility for years and know how it feels to be ‘let down’ by a body that won’t do what it is supposed to. It’s just so unfair.

  5. This must have been difficult for you to write, but even though there is sadness in this post I think it’s inspiring that you are brave enough to tackle those feelings head on. Rachel xx
    Rachel recently posted…I am the PhoenixMy Profile

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