Missing “ME”.

I want to preface this post, with the fact that I love my daughter and husband more than anything in the world. Would die for them, either of them, in a second. I know how blessed I am to have them, not for one day do I forget that. But still. Tonight, this Friday night, I miss ‘Me’.missing me

There is a reason why I named my blog ‘The Hesitant Housewife’. Because I want to be that person, so badly. I want to be the housewife, the stay at home mother. I want to completely rock it, to be honest. I want this life, to be me. But, just quietly, I wonder if I will always be hesitant. I wonder if it will ever come naturally to me, whether I can 100% commit to the person I want to be. Because tonight, I miss “Me”. I miss the person that wasn’t my daughters mother, my husbands wife.

I miss the ‘Me’ that could be ridiculously irresponsible, and the only person who would pay would be me.

I miss the ‘Me’ that didn’t wake up every morning, and have to be responsible for a whole other life.

I miss the ‘Me’ that was fun, and crazy, and spontaneous.

I miss the ‘Me’ that put make up on, straightened her hair, wore clothes other than singlets and shorts/tracksuit pants.

I miss the ‘Me’ that left the house, and went to work. Chatted and joked with people, adult people.

I miss the ‘Me’ that was a coordinator, that demanded respect from people. People who didn’t giggle, and laugh, and run across the room. People that listened, because they had to. People who, though I didn’t realise it at the time, validated me, and what I had to say.

I miss the ‘Me’ that cares. Cares that I hadn’t shaved my legs, cares that I am wearing the same maternity shorts that I’ve worn for the last 3 days. Cares that I really don’t care anymore.

As much that I have wanted this, to be a mum, to be a wife, for my whole life, surely, I must be more? Surely I have not been dissolved by all that I have attained to be?

I love my daughter. I love my husband. I want to be everything to them. But, I want to be ‘Me’ too.

If only I knew who ‘Me’ was.

Am I the only one that feels this? Or are other “Mummies’ fumbling their way back to “Me” too? xx

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09 comments on “Missing “ME”.

  • Sammy @ Sugah Momma , Direct link to comment

    You’re not alone, hun. I miss “me” too. I guess that’s why most of that time I am so insecure, so out of place and so out of tune with myself is because, although I love the life I have now, there is still a part of me that misses what “me” used to be. I can totally relate because just like you, I’m “hesitant” as well. The awkward wife, the fumbling mom is what I am now. Glad to find your blog. :) I look forward to more posts from you!
    Sammy @ Sugah Momma recently posted…Goodies for Mommies GiveawayMy Profile

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      Isn’t it funny how it all looks so ‘seamless’ until you are living that life? It’s so good to know I’m not alone in these feelings! I’m glad you found me too, off to have a read of your blog now :) xx

  • Jessica , Direct link to comment

    This is such a powerfully honest post. I think we all go through this as new moms. It is a huge adjustment to have to not only take care of someone else but pretty much forget everything we ever did for ourselves. Hang in there and you will slowly get used to the transition and find moments in time when you can put yourself first, if only for a few minutes.

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      Thanks Jessica. My husband has been organising regular ‘date’ nights, and we finally went to the movies again, first time in about 18 months! Definitely helps to have these windows non-mummy time. xx
      Hesitant Housewife recently posted…Liebster Blog AwardMy Profile

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      Thanks so much Christine. It seems to be something a lot of mothers experience. I understand what you mean, the ‘me’ before children is different to the ‘me’ after children… Trying to figure out the woman I am now! xx
      Hesitant Housewife recently posted…Liebster Blog AwardMy Profile

  • Kellie , Direct link to comment

    Your not alone in your thinking.. This hit so home with me.. I love my husband and children so much I put everything into them and don’t even know how to do stuff for me without feeling guilty and I’m not worthy.
    It hurts so much to not know who I am or even where to start. I want to be the best mother and wife I can be.. But I so want to find me too :(

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      It’s such a hard balance, isn’t it Kellie, trying to mesh ‘wife’ ‘mother’ and ‘me’ into the same person. I’ve heard so many times how important it is to look after “your childs mother’, and I’ve kind of dismissed it, and still put myself last, but I really think it’s time to start making some changes, to feel better about myself. I’ll be writing some posts soon about getting a bit of a makeover. Obviously it’s only changing the outside, but hopefully it will give me the confidence to change some other things too, and discover who I am again. xx
      Hesitant Housewife recently posted…Wordless Wednesday ~ My Daughters Daddy.My Profile

  • Susan J. , Direct link to comment

    Dorothy Parker put it thus: Career girls, when they’re badly harried,
    Think perhaps they should have married,
    Married girls, reduced to tears,
    Regretfully regard careers.

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