One Moment Of Time.

 *Trigger warning: This post may raise issues for readers who have experience with depression and/or suicide.*


I’m lying in bed writing this on my phone. I don’t know if I’ll publish it. I’ve always hated bloggers who appear to jump on a bandwagon. Turn a tragedy into blog fodder.

The thing is, I can’t stop thinking about Charlotte Dawson.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that she has died. That there is no second chance, no opportunity for her to change her mind. She can’t hear all the wonderful things that people are saying about her. She hasn’t got a chance to believe them. In one moment of time, that insidious disease took her, in that one moment of time she was too defeated to fight it any longer.

I wasn’t privileged to know her personally, to call her a friend. I can’t fully explain why her death is keeping me awake at night, why I can’t stop crying.

Maybe because I wish I had known her?

I wish I could have said ‘Thank you.’ Thank you for being so honest about something that people can’t seem to talk about. Thank you for giving a voice to depression, thank you for saying sometimes it is just too fucking hard. Thank you for standing up for those who couldn’t fight back against the bullies. Thank you for fighting so damn hard against your own demons so you could offer hope to others fighting against theirs.

I wish I could say, ‘I’m sorry.’ I’m sorry that you didn’t know what you meant to people. I’m sorry that you couldn’t believe how loved you were. I’m sorry that when that black dog caught up with you, when it pinned you down, and stared you in the eye, there was no escape.

I’ve been that close before. I’ve been backed into that corner. I lived. I got that second chance. A few years later, my life is in a completely different place. I’m still running from the black dog, but I am stronger now. I got the time to change my mind. In one moment of time, I was lucky. I didn’t die. And in time, I didn’t want to any more.

I so desperately want to turn back time. I so desperately want to give her the gift of hindsight. That’s the thing. Suicide is forever. There is no turning back. It’s too late to realise you weren’t alone, that people cared.  You can’t argue with depression once you’re dead. It’s too late. It’s too fucking late.

*Edited to add- A petition has been started for the Australian Government to introduce Charlotte’s Law ~ Tougher Cyber Bullying Legislation. You can sign the petition here.   

If you need urgent support, or are worried about someone you can contact the following agencies for help:

13 11 14 – 24/7 telephone crisis support, as well as online one-one-one crisis support (8pm-Midnight AEST)

Kids Helpline
1800 55 1800 – 24/7 telephone counseling for young people 5–25 years, as well as online and email counseling (check website for hours)

Suicide Call Back Service
1300 659 467 – 24/7 professional telephone crisis support for people at risk of suicide, carers and bereaved, as well as online resources and information

20 comments on “One Moment Of Time.

  • Elephant's Child , Direct link to comment

    I am not against all suicide. There are circumstances where I can understand, and while regretting the loss, accept it.
    Suicide as a permanent solution to a temporary problem does my head in. I am so sorry that she couldn’t realise what a positive difference she had made in the world and how highly regarded she was and is.
    Elephant’s Child recently posted…Sunday Selections #160My Profile

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      I’m so sorry to hear about your father Toni. I can imagine this has brought a lot of emotions back to the surface for you. You are right, nobody knows what Charlotte was thinking or feeling in her final moments. I think so many people have been touched by suicide at some point in their lives (apart from my own personal experiences, both my uncles committed suicide) that many people have processed the news of her passing very personally. (if that makes sense?) xx
      Hesitant Housewife recently posted…One Moment Of Time.My Profile

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  • Lisa@RandomActsOfZen , Direct link to comment

    Jane, so many people have said that Charlotte’s death has affected them, and I think it’s because it could have easily been any of us who felt pushed too far. I just wish she knew how many people she has touched.
    Suicide affected my life when I was young, and it breaks my heart that anyone feels that kind of desperation.
    Thank you for the link x

  • Sonia Life Love Hiccups , Direct link to comment

    Her death rocked me too as someone who has spent the past 7 years trying to stay ahead of the black dog. It is a reminder to all of us to reach out, when we need help or when we sense that others also need our help. And dont take a smile as a given that everything is ok, people with depression can be very good at hiding it xx
    Sonia Life Love Hiccups recently posted…Weekend Rewind Blog Hopping Party 4 – The F### You Universe EditionMy Profile

  • Deb - An Inspirational Journey , Direct link to comment

    Hi Jane, another thought-provoking post. I think Charlotte Dawson’s death has affected so many of us in so many ways. I also felt an overwhelming sadness when I heard the news and it does bring back memories (my husband attempted in 2010 and anything linked to suicide means everything comes flooding back…). I just hope that this will be a timely reminder to many to keep talking about the issue and finding a way to deal with it. Deb xx
    Deb – An Inspirational Journey recently posted…Changing schools, Counseling & Charlotte Dawson.My Profile

  • Carolyn @ Champagne Cartel , Direct link to comment

    I understand where you are coming from. I think that’s why Charlotte Dawson’s death has really captured the nation – there but for the grace of whatever you believe in goes so many of us. I have wrestled with the black dog. I have had those thoughts. I’ve never come close to acting on them in that way but I get how easily that could happen. The best we can hope for now is that Charlotte’s Law is passed and perhaps people remember this and act with more kindness and awareness with one another. Maybe it will happen.
    Carolyn @ Champagne Cartel recently posted…Friday Fizz: bubbles of awesome from the webMy Profile

  • Maxabella , Direct link to comment

    It’s a tragedy when anyone thinks that ending it all is the only way out of something. Our heads mess with reality do much that we think we’re alone when we never, ever are. x
    Maxabella recently posted…Loving OscarMy Profile

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