One Pink Line.

I have an issue. It started just over 4 years ago. After I lost my twins. I became addicted to home pregnancy tests. From that day on, I became obsessed with carrying life. I’m ashamed to say, it didn’t matter what circumstance I was in, I just wanted to see two pink lines. I did use birth control, but nothing is 100%, and as it approached ‘that time of the month’, there was alway a part of me that wondered, (hoped?) if I was pregnant. So I would pee on a stick. And see one pink line. And would feel disappointed, despite knowing that I was nowhere near a situation that bringing a child into would enhance. But damn. I wanted to feel that life again.

So, three years later, with my boyfriend of three months (who turned out to be my soulmate, thankfully!) imagine my shock, when I finally saw those two pink lines! (I think this was the 3rd test into our relationship. I told you, I have a problem!) 32 weeks later (!) I gave birth to our darling premature daughter. She is now a healthy 16 month old, and I am married to her fabulous father. I am also nearly blind. The combination of my pregnancy and my diabetes have caused a condition in my eyes, which, according to my specialist, if I hadn’t have given birth 8 weeks early, I would have gone blind. I am still undergoing treatment, in the hope that I will regain enough sight to be able to drive again.

Here’s the thing. I have started peeing on sticks again. Despite being blessed with my beautiful daughter, I want to have another baby. I have always wanted a big family. My husband is one of seven. I want to feel life in me again.

I had an ‘anterior’ placenta last pregnancy, which meant I didn’t feel movement until late in my pregnancy (about 28 weeks) My waters broke at 31.5 weeks. A week before my baby shower. My daughter was born at 32 weeks, by emergency cesarean, after her heart rate dropped, and didn’t come back up. I wish I could say it was the best day of my life, but in reality, it was the most terrifying. I thought my baby was going to die. My daughter is now 16 months old, and is doing fabulously. And I am peeing on sticks.

I want another baby. But it’s not that easy. I can’t just say ‘I want another baby’ and start trying. I am high risk. I have type one diabetes. High risk. I have a history of miscarriage. High risk. I have a history of twins. High risk. I have a history of prematurity. High risk. I could go blind, if I fall pregnant again. HIGH RISK.

There is really nothing in my favor. And I know, I KNOW, I should just be grateful for what I have. I am so blessed to have my daughter, to have a child. I know so many people who haven’t even had that opportunity. I know I am blessed.

But still. Still I pee on a stick, every freaking month, and I cry when I see that one pink line. At the same time, I am terrified that I will fall pregnant again, terrified of the threat that I could lose a baby. Terrified that I may go blind, and not be able to look after the baby that I have. Yet still, I want to see those two pink lines so badly. I suddenly feel myself back where I was before, tears welling at every new pregnancy announcement, every ultrasound picture, every new life, that I am not carrying. I have carried three lives, yet only can see one. I am selfish. I know of people that have carried more than I, and still have no children on earth.

Yet still. I am selfish. I want another child. I want it more than anything. I would have to risk everything, really, to have it. Could I risk that? Should I risk that? xx

02 comments on “One Pink Line.

  • Melissa , Direct link to comment

    I just wanted to say something. I am 23 years old and and I married last september. We fell pregnant in october, it was our first pregnancy and I was so elated. We moved house in the first week of december and on the same day that we moved house I had a miscarriage. I knew something was wrong the cramps didnt feel right. I called the doctor and he sent me for an emergency ultrasound at this point I was two months. Within the space of an hour I knew I had lost the baby, I went in for the ultrasound and they couldn’t see anything. I remember feeling so empty and alone. So angry with the world and I did what you did every month after I took a test with the hope of it turning positive and I cried each and every time. My birthday in early July I had decided to give up and just focus on loving my husband and trying to love myself. I was so heartbroken and lost and wounded I felt like I had failed my husband by not being able to carry the baby to full term. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Also we just recently found out after moving interstate (from Sydney to Qld) that we are expecting again but we are further along this time and just shy of the 12 week mark and everything feels different to the first time. We had our first ultrasound yesterday and I can happily say for the first time I got to see a heartbeat and I cried as I was so happy that I wasn’t delusional that I hadn’t hoped so hard that I was just having pretend symptoms. You will have another baby if you are meant to, I believe that :) You never know you might be lucky the second time round and not have anything bad happen.
    Like I said I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. (Sorry I am new to your blog) x

    • Hesitant Housewife , Direct link to comment

      Thanks so much for sharing your story Melissa. I ‘m really sorry for your loss, but absolutely thrilled for you that you are expecting again, and everything is going well. It really is amazing the first time you see the heart beating, and you know everything is OK. xx
      Hesitant Housewife recently posted…Things I Know ~ Fighters Keep Fighting.My Profile

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