R U OK? I mean really? Are you OK? Because even if you think that you should be OK, even if life is just how it should be, even if you are so damned determined to be OK, even if every single day you get up and fight like Hell to be OK, you can say no. You can tell someone, anyone, that you are not OK, that despite your very best efforts, you need help.
I am not OK. I’ve been trying so hard to keep all of the pieces of me together. To keep putting one foot in front of the other, to just keep moving until things get better. Except they aren’t getting better. Except I feel like I can’t breathe. My heart is racing, my chest is so tight, I think I might be dying. There is a pounding in my head, a stabbing pain behind my eye. Am I dying?
I can’t think, I just need a minute, just be quiet for one minute so I can think. If I can just gather my thoughts together, gather the pieces of me that keep falling apart, I will be OK. There is not enough time, I can’t grasp enough time to do things right. Nothing is working anymore. I’m not a good mother, I am not a good wife. Everyone wants a piece of me, but the pieces keep falling away, I can’t hold on to them.
I’m afraid. My heart races, my head pounds. Are the doors locked? Are you sure? I can’t sleep. What is something happens? What if I die, and Milla has to grow up without a mother? How will she remember me? What if she dies, and I didn’t appreciate her enough, I didn’t love her enough? Her anxiety feeds my anxiety, or does mine feed hers? Something terrible is going to happen, and it is all my fault. I need to be better. GET IT TOGETHER.
I can’t breathe. I know I’m supposed to just breathe but I can’t even do that. I can’t even fucking breathe. JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME THINK. I just need a minute, just give me a minute to gather all the pieces and hold them together. I know they all fit, I just have to hold them together, don’t let them fall apart.
I am not OK. I am asking for help. I will see my Dr and ask her to review my medication. I have been on the same antidepressants for ten years, and I am terrified of what changing them will do to my mind and body. God, I am so scared. But I am scared all of the time anyway, and I can’t, I absolutely cannot keep doing this. I need help. And the only thing I have control of at the moment is my ability to ask for help. To put this out there and say I am not OK, and I am going to get help.
If I can, so can you. Please, if you are not OK, talk to someone, tell someone. You are not alone.
Please also consider this an official announcement of a break from my blog, until I learn how to breathe again xx
R U OK?
If you need urgent support, or are worried about someone you can contact the following agencies for help:
13 11 14 – 24/7 telephone crisis support, as well as online one-one-one crisis support (8pm-Midnight AEST)
1800 55 1800 – 24/7 telephone counselling for young people 5–25 years, as well as online and email counselling (check website for hours)
Suicide Call Back Service
1300 659 467 – 24/7 professional telephone crisis support for people at risk of suicide, carers and bereaved, as well as online resources and information