Reflections Five Years On. ?>

Reflections Five Years On.

Five years and one day ago, I sat in a small room on my own, whilst a sonographer told me that not only was I carrying identical twins, but they had both died.

Five years ago today I walked into a hospital, with two tiny baby inside me, and woke up from a general anaesthetic empty. With a gaping hole not just where my babies had been, but also where my heart had been.

Time passed. Life went on. I finally let go of my toxic partner. I started to heal. I still carried that ache inside me, where they were missing, but it didn’t consume me anymore. I met my husband, we had our beautiful daughter. Five years later, I am living a beautiful life.

A life I wouldn’t be living, if my twins had lived. I struggle to make sense of this. How can I grieve them, miss the possibility of them, yet know if they were here, I would not have this life. I would not have my daughter.

My heart aches for all that I lost, those two little souls, my children. I was their mother, and I would have given them a beautiful life, but it wouldn’t be this life. They would not have had a father in their life. They would not have had the loving strong family unit that my daughter has. They would not have had financial security. We would have made it, the three of us, I have no doubt. None of that mattered, then. I would have fought, and struggled, and done everything in my power to give them the life that they deserved, if I had of been given the chance. I never got that chance.

And time keeps moving, and now I have this life. This life, my little family, that I wouldn’t give up for anything in the world. I try to understand how the twins fit in this life. I know that they are my daughters siblings. I believe that they delivered her to me, safely. I know that I think about them, wonder what they would have looked like, what their little personalities would have been like. I know every time I see twins, there is a twinge inside me, a tiny stab, a vision of what could have been.

People say that everything happens for a reason, but I don’t think I believe that. No matter how awful, and difficult my circumstances were, I don’t believe there was ever a good enough reason for them to have been taken from me. And even now, whilst I live happily ever after with my husband and daughter, I can’t believe that they had to die, so I could have this life.

Maybe there is no plan? Maybe sometimes really awful, shitty things happen to people, and sometimes wonderful, beautiful miracles happen to those same people? Maybe life just doesn’t make sense, and all you can do is keep getting up each morning, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and have faith that the world keeps turning, no matter what happens.

I can’t make sense of why I lost my babies.There is no sense. I did not have a choice. I do know that I am a different person because of them. I do know that I will never forget them. I do know that they will always be my children, no matter what happens, no matter how many years pass. I know that every October, the tears will flow, tears that I keep under wrap most of the time. I know that when I think of them, of the short time we had together, I will curse the universe for taking them from me.

I can’t understand how my beautiful angels could fit into the life I have now. This is what I do know ~ I can grieve for them, cry for them, wish everything was different, long to hold them in my arms. I can feel all of that, and still be grateful for all that I have now, for my husband and my daughter. One thing does not cancel out the other. Life does not make sense. The ‘what ifs’ cannot change a thing. This is my life. I am a mother to a daughter on earth and two angels in Heaven. I will love them, remember them, cherish them, until the day comes that we will be together again. That is all I know. xx



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15 thoughts on “Reflections Five Years On.

  1. ‘I am a mother to a daughter on earth and two angels in Heaven. I will love them, remember them, cherish them, until the day comes that we will be together again. That is all I know.’

    I think you know a lot. This whole post made my heart hurt for and with you, but your final sentences were a beautiful encapsulation of grief and love, and the way that beauty and sorrow live simultaneously in th same heart.

  2. I too do not like the term “things happen for a reason”.. I’m a grieving Mum too.
    Who chooses these things to happen?
    How do they choose which parent should have their child/children taken from them?

    Your post is so nicely written…
    From one grieving Mummy to another:
    Take care & try to be gentile on yourself…
    Multiblogging Mum recently posted…WELCOMEMy Profile

  3. My girlfriend was over yesterday, we got pregnant at the same time and we were so excited. She was pregnant with triplets, and she lost them at 11 weeks. It was a horrible time for her and even now when she sees Oliver I’d imagine its tough. But she does well in finding happiness in our happiness which shows such strength.
    She told me yesterday that she has just had to except that everything happens for a reason, but I can see that she doesn’t believe that.

    Parents of angel babies are amongst the toughest people I know, and I’m sure they’d be looking down on you with such pride. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m going to share it with her and I think it could really help her.

  4. I can’t imagine the terrible pain and grief you must carry with you. Nevertheless I admire you greatly. You haven’t let this loss crush you. You’ve picked yourself up and experienced love and joy again. Of course it doesn’t cancel out the loss of your twins but it is something worth celebrating.
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