Suspending Reality. ?>

Suspending Reality.

You would think at 33 years old, and having lived the life I’ve lived, I would have more of a grasp on reality, and grown out of childish fantasies.

You would think.

Confession- I regularly ‘cyber stalk’ my ‘fathers’; both step and birth father. I wonder about them. I wonder what they are doing, where they are living, if they are even still alive.

To cut a long story short, I tracked down my cousins wife (from my birth fathers side) on facebook.  I saw from her profile picture that she had two girls, who only looked a little bit older than Milla. With the courage that only a few glasses of wine can give you, I ‘friend requested’ her. After she accepted, I bit the bullet, and sent her a message. Very polite, ‘I think you may be my cousins wife, I am Jane, A’s daughter, his brothers name is B, who’s son was called C, which has lead me to you’… With the beauty of facebook, I was able to see exactly what time the message had been read.

This is the part where I forget the reality of the situation, and allow my mind to skip merrily off to the land of sunshine and lollipops. I wonder if we will become friends? I look at the children in her picture, can I see any resemblance to Milla? These are relatives, real blood relatives! (of which I only have my mother, brother and sister) Maybe our children will play together? Maybe they will be like cousins, and we’ll have family barbecues together?

Then, of course, I imagine them telling my father. “Guess who found us on facebook!” I imagine them telling him how I’m married now, and have a beautiful daughter, his granddaughter. And I imagine him caring. I imagine him wondering if this could be his second chance at establishing a relationship with me. I imagine him wanting to be a part of our lives.

I await a return message. I wonder what it will say. I play out a thousand different scenarios in my head.

And then I realise she has ‘un-friended’ me on facebook.

There will be no family barbecues. There will be no tearful reunion. My father is not out there somewhere pining for his daughter.

I am such a fucking idiot. If he wanted to find me, he could. If he wanted to be part of my life, he has had 33 years to try. Why do I still get hurt by his indifference? This is not new information, he has never given me any indication that he has a desire to be in my life.

I put on a brave face. I say I don’t need him in my life anyway (which I don’t.) I say it’s his loss (which it is.) I don’t even know him.

So tell me, why does he still make me cry?

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6 thoughts on “Suspending Reality.

  1. Ow Jane.. He is an asshole! That’s all I can tell you! My father was the same. He doesn’t know you jane, he has had ample opportunity and hasn’t bothered which leads me to my asshole conclusion because I might not actually know you but you seem amazing! He will never give you what you need to mend the hurt of these 33 years. Leave him in the past where he belongs and concentrate on your glorious future, your awesome hubby and your gorgeous baby girl! You have one life to live, don’t waste a second on someone who doesn’t deserve your previous time!!

  2. Oh Jane that would have hurt. But like you said it is his loss not yours. You still have your mum and siblings. You have a wonderful hubby and an adorable darter. All I can say is brake the cycle (which you have) and make sure Milla never feels what you are.
    My mum is 52 and has a father like yours and it hurts still, but she is an amazing women and says its his loss and she no longer waste time on him. It will always hurt I believe bit it’s the time you allow it in your mind and life if you don’t let it then the hurt won’t feel as bad…
    Sending you love and hugs because you are amazing an he is a fucking idiot for not wanting to be part of his daughters life. HIM not you!

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