What to write?

When I started this blog, it was all about the “journey”. Where I had been and what I had to do to get to where I am now. To get my ‘Happily Ever After’. Married to my soul mate, mother to my beautiful daughter. All the crap that I lived through, all the pain and hurt, and mistakes that I had made, to get me to this point. To my family. It wasn’t smooth sailing. Things were lost along the way. But here I am, right, living my dream.

Except my daughter is autistic. Except my beautiful, strong, perfect daughter is autistic. And our lives are changed forever. Not necessarily for the worst. Not necessarily for the best. Just changed.

I try to wear the ‘brave face’. When the doctor asks how I feel about this diagnosis, I say it’s not ideal, but at least now we’ll get the help we need, the help Milla needs. Same story to my friends really. Early intervention, still the same girl (of course, it’s my Mooie ) getting the help we need…. blah blah blah…

But really, I’m fucking pissed off. I am pissed off, that after everything, my baby is faced with this. I don’t want to be brave, or strong, or inspirational. I am none of those things. I am lost and scare and flailing (failing?). I want to call bullshit. Bullshit, that after working this hard to get here, fighting so many demons, kicking myself up the arse and finally getting my shit together,  finding my happily ever after; my baby is autistic. BULLSHIT.

I don’t want this blog to be about autism. I don’t want to constantly write these miserable, depressing posts.

I don’t know what to write, because right now my mind is black, and angry, and so fucking tired. Today has been a hard day. My baby girl has been particularly ‘autistic’, as my husband and I call it, with an ironic smile. Ironic, because if we don’t smile, and try and make a joke about the craziness that is played out here, by our beloved ‘dictator’, we would just cry and cry. Or I would. Or I am.

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