What to write? ?>

What to write?

When I started this blog, it was all about the “journey”. Where I had been and what I had to do to get to where I am now. To get my ‘Happily Ever After’. Married to my soul mate, mother to my beautiful daughter. All the crap that I lived through, all the pain and hurt, and mistakes that I had made, to get me to this point. To my family. It wasn’t smooth sailing. Things were lost along the way. But here I am, right, living my dream.

Except my daughter is autistic. Except my beautiful, strong, perfect daughter is autistic. And our lives are changed forever. Not necessarily for the worst. Not necessarily for the best. Just changed.

I try to wear the ‘brave face’. When the doctor asks how I feel about this diagnosis, I say it’s not ideal, but at least now we’ll get the help we need, the help Milla needs. Same story to my friends really. Early intervention, still the same girl (of course, it’s my Mooie ) getting the help we need…. blah blah blah…

But really, I’m fucking pissed off. I am pissed off, that after everything, my baby is faced with this. I don’t want to be brave, or strong, or inspirational. I am none of those things. I am lost and scare and flailing (failing?). I want to call bullshit. Bullshit, that after working this hard to get here, fighting so many demons, kicking myself up the arse and finally getting my shit together,  finding my happily ever after; my baby is autistic. BULLSHIT.

I don’t want this blog to be about autism. I don’t want to constantly write these miserable, depressing posts.

I don’t know what to write, because right now my mind is black, and angry, and so fucking tired. Today has been a hard day. My baby girl has been particularly ‘autistic’, as my husband and I call it, with an ironic smile. Ironic, because if we don’t smile, and try and make a joke about the craziness that is played out here, by our beloved ‘dictator’, we would just cry and cry. Or I would. Or I am.

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14 thoughts on “What to write?

  1. I have been a teacher for many years and some of the most talented and gorgeous students of mine have had autism. They have an honesty that is amazing. Please don’t worry. They sort themselves out because they have a special insight. It’s true!

  2. Oh Jane I wish I could just hug you and tell you itll be alright but I can’t because I can’t promise that but we are here to help you in anyway you need us to… If you want o rant kick scream cry whatever do it… Big gigantic hugs beautiful lady xo

  3. Jane there are no words to comfort you at this time. I have three boys who all have autism and I can not even say that I understand what you are going through because it is your story, your journey and sadly your pain.

    YOu inspired me to write this post late tonight http://mumtalksautism.com/2013/02/im-just-a-mum-living-with-autism-wanting-normal-too/ I hope you will pop over and read it and I hope you find just a moment of comfort in my words.

    Please know you are not alone and if there is ever ANYTHING I can do. ANYTHING, please know I am simply a mouse click away.

    Much Love
    Coralie aka Mum Talks Autism
    Mum Talks Autism recently posted…I’m just a mum living with AUTISM wanting ‘NORMAL’ too.My Profile

  4. big hugs hon – write what you need to write to work things out, to share, to feel connected… it won’t always be this stage so remember that… right now you are processing and adapting and learning. who knows where you will be in 3 mo, 6 mo, a year. just write for today and trust that tomorrow may not be so ranty and black etc – thinking of you xxx
    Deb @ Home life simplified recently posted…Letters to my daughters: Authentically youMy Profile

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