At midnight, as the new millennium clicked over, the year 2000, I stood in the CBD of Melbourne. I swayed a little, drunk, as I strained to see the fireworks over the heads of the crowd that swarmed around me. I was with my boyfriend, who would one day become my husband, then soon after, my ex-husband. He was angry at me for the aforementioned drunken-ness. My new years resolution was quitting smoking; the first of many attempts. My work colleagues cat gave birth to kittens that New Years Day, one of whom is the only part of that life that still remains to this day, my beloved cat Star.

I could never have imagined the many roads I would walk, to get me to this life, 15 years later.

2015. I have been married for three years. I have a four year old daughter. She was diagnosed with Autism two years ago. My life is nothing like I ever imagined it to be, yet I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

It is not easy being a parent of to a child on the spectrum. I worry all the time. I am always thinking ten steps ahead. I question every decision I make. Some days are so hard, all I can think about is putting one foot in front of the other, until I collapse in bed. 2015 brings mainstream kinder, after a year of Early Intervention 3 year old kinder, with teachers who knew and understood all the possible quirks a child on the spectrum might have. I’m not sure who is more anxious, me or Milla. This is the year we need to finally make the right decision about what school will be best for Milla. Just quietly, I am terrified, I honestly have no idea if I am making the right choice.

Sometimes, on my darkest days, I question how the hell this happened? How was she so unlucky to get me as a mother? I am not strong enough to be the person that she needs. It’s like a cruel joke; “Hey you! Yeah, you. The screw up, the girl destined to fail at life. Here’s this kid. She’s the most complicated person you will ever meet, she’s crazy smart, and sees the world in a way you wish you could. And she needs you to NOT FUCK UP. OK?”

Here’s the twist, (because every good story needs a twist) maybe she did not get me as a mother? Maybe I got her as a daughter. Because I needed her. Because she is the most complicated person I will ever meet, she is crazy smart and she sees the world in a way I wish I could. Because she makes me strong. Because of her, I get up every day and I fight. “Life” isn’t just something that happens to me anymore.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

So, 2015. We’ve got this.

21 comments on “2015.

  • Elephant's Child , Direct link to comment

    You can have life or an existence. I love that you have chosen life with all the messiness, complications involved. And the love and the laughter.

  • Sonia Life Love Hiccups , Direct link to comment

    That little girl was SO lucky to score you as a mother hun. I believe the universe put you two together for a very good reason and no one could be a better mother to that precious child than you xx

  • Maxabella , Direct link to comment

    This has teared me up, Jane. That is just about the loveliest way of looking at parenting I can imagine. x

  • Bec @ The Plumbette , Direct link to comment

    I read your post and thought here is an amazing mum. The fact that you think about stuffing up is evidence of a wonderful mum. May your 2015 be a great year and I hope you will be able to work out the right school for Milla. Xx

  • Hugzilla , Direct link to comment

    Soooooo good. We are often our own worst critics but mums are some of the toughest and most resilient people I know. It’s amazing what we can do, particularly when it comes to fighting for our kids. My youngest has special needs as well, and there is nothing like knowing we are their number one advocate to bring out the mama lion within. Damn right you’ve got this xx

  • Sonia from Sonia Styling , Direct link to comment

    Oh, Jane – you and Milla HAVE got this! You were meant to be together and it’s together that you’ll fight the good fight and win the battles that life throws your way. You share the same eye twinkle and beautiful smile, you gorgeous girls! x

  • Bertha , Direct link to comment

    wow… it sound like it is not tat easy selling stuff on your own website..I’m currently setting up my own website too!! selling some clothes and gifts..man, ur website is great!! well, my only suggestion is maybe adding the product pictures on your front page next to the list of items? and mayb separating the three canaogrries?etyway, i guess u just needa promote your site a little..well i’ve done some research on promoting my site, i’ve got a little bit of info if u want u can email me.

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