Breaking The Cycle.

I talk a lot about how I am ‘breaking the cycle.’ Like it’s easy. Like this was my plan the whole time.

I come from a long line of dysfunction. Mental illness runs rife throughout my family history. I didn’t think I would make it here. Functioning. Raising a daughter, being a wife. Alive. I very nearly didn’t. 

I don’t really know how I made it out, where I got the strength to just keep trying even when every fibre of me wanted to give up. Luck maybe?

Not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone can break the cycle that they were born in to without a choice in the world.

I want to be angry at my mother. Hell, a lot of the time I am. So angry that she couldn’t break the cycle, that she tried to take us all down with her. Why couldn’t she be stronger? Why couldn’t she love us and fight for us like we deserved? Why would she want us to ever feel like she did, sad and lost and scared?

Mostly now though, as much as anger is an easier emotion to deal with, I just feel sad. So, so sad. She never had a chance really. Born to parents that didn’t or couldn’t love her. Never knowing security or unconditional love. Both her brothers committed suicide, staying alive was her achievement for us.

I’m filled with hate and venom for her parents. I want to rage at them. FUCK YOU. You broke her and set her up for a life of trying to break anyone that came close to her. Were they caught up in the same cycle though? How far does it go back? Who can I blame, because damn it, I need to blame someone.

Her damaged brain is winning the war now. I’m not sure if there is anything else left? Will I ever see the glimpses of my mum again? I don’t really know how to feel. My mother has hurt me more than anyone else in my life. She has broken my heart over and over again. I have fought hard, so hard to be the person I am. Despite of her.

But she is my mum. She must have done something right, because I did it. I broke the cycle. There will be no more little girls feeling lost and sad and scared in our family. And one day when she finally finds her peace, I hope she will be proud of me.


06 comments on “Breaking The Cycle.

  • Lisa xxx , Direct link to comment

    Oh Jane! I am so proud of you and I KNOW its not the same as hearing from a parent but I am. And Roh is. And when Miss Milla is grown she will be so, so proud of her beautiful Mum. xxx

    • Lisa xxx , Direct link to comment

      …and Im sure your siblings are proud if you for Standing Up and rescuing them too. You bet they are! xxx

  • Kris , Direct link to comment

    Hi Jane,
    This post resonates with me so profoundly right now. Thank you for putting into words the struggle I have been having for awhile now but only just facing. I too am not going to let the cycle to continue. Thank you xx

  • Elmer Anderson , Direct link to comment

    Oh, wow, this is so moving. I’m sorry for what you went through and at the same time, I’m happy that you managed to break from the cycle. You go, girl!

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