One. Not Only.

Dear Milla,

I’m sorry. I know how desperately you want to be a big sister. How much you want to have a little brother or sister of your own. I understand, I spent eighteen years as an ‘only’ child wishing I had a brother or sister to share my childhood with. I swore I would never have an ‘only’ child, I always dreamed of having a big family. Your Daddy grew up with three brothers, I think he also hoped for a big family.

The thing is honey, life doesn’t always (or even often) turn out like you plan. Before I was blessed with you, I carried two tiny little twins. For reasons that no one can ever really understand they weren’t meant for this world and I had to say goodbye before I ever met them.

When I found out about you I was so very excited, but at the same time I was very afraid. Some people have bodies that are made to carry babies and some people have bodies that make it that little bit harder to keep babies safe whilst they grow. I have one of those bodies darling. Lots of doctors made me feel worried, they told me all the bad things that might happen and I was scared I would never get to meet you either. Your Daddy had to be very brave for both of us. He looked after me when I was afraid, and would hug me when I cried and tell me that everything would be OK. He is a very wise man, your Daddy.

About halfway through my pregnancy with you, my eyes got very sick. My body was working so hard to keep you safe, but it took its toll. Soon I couldn’t see very well and I had to stop driving. The doctors told me that I might go blind.

Two months before you were expected to arrive, you gave us all a scare when your heart had trouble beating inside me. The doctors decided you needed to come out quickly, and so we met for the first time with the briefest of touches before you were rushed away to be looked after.


My darling girl, from the moment you arrived my world started revolving around you. My body was not the strongest, it was not the safest, but it delivered you to me and for that I will be forever grateful.


You are my one. You are my one child. You will always be my one child. My body cannot carry another, as much as I would love to give you your longed for brother or sister. But you will never be an ‘only’. I will never have ‘just’ one child. You are my one. You are the one.

I hope when you get older you will understand, you will forgive me. I had to make a choice. My body is not made for carrying babies. Yet I carried you. And here you are. Your Daddy and I are so incredibly blessed to have you in our lives. To be your parents. You are our one. You are enough.


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