The Window To My Soul.

My windows are broken, and the shards are tugging and tearing at my soul.

Yesterday I had another haemorrhage in my eye, the worst I’ve had in a long time. (You can read more about my battle with Diabetic Retinopathy here)

The blood has clouded my vision so badly, I can barely see. As usual, the specialists have no answers. They can’t tell me why I have had another bleed. They can’t tell me why years of laser therapy hasn’t stopped the haemorrhages. They can’t fix it. They can’t tell me if it will get better, or worse. All they tell me is I have to wait. Wait to see if the blood reabsorbs. Wait to see if it bleeds more.

I feel broken, and defeated. I’m 33 years old, and I already can’t drive, I already can’t carry more children. I feel like I am edging closer and closer to blindness, and I am terrified. I am scared and angry. It’s taken me half an hour just to write these two paragraphs, because I just. can’t. see.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have time for this. My whole life is focused on helping my girl, getting her through each day, fighting for her, tackling one hurdle after another with her.

And now I can’t see? What the fuck?

My eyes are the window to my soul, and the view ain’t pretty.

08 comments on “The Window To My Soul.

  • Dorothy , Direct link to comment

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds awful. And you’re right, you don’t have time for this shit. You’re a mum.

  • Elephant's Child , Direct link to comment

    The window is smeary – but the soul is gorgeous.
    But no, you don’t have time/energy for this crap. At all. Sending so many positive wishes your way.

  • Tracey , Direct link to comment

    Oh Lisa, I am so sorry to read this – I’m sending positive thoughts your way xxxx

  • Jane , Direct link to comment

    I have posted on your blog before as your life, in some ways, is similar to mine. You, like me, can do this and you will do this. It is not easy but you can come through it.
    I wish you all the very best with your eyes.
    Diabetes and retinopathy will not defeat us

  • Lisa , Direct link to comment

    Oh Jane I wish I could give you a big hug and reassure you in some way that it will all be ok. You are a strong person and though you don’t feel like it right now you will be ok, you will get through this. You will work I out and a new plan will be developed and your life will continue. It sucks that you have to go through this that you have to feel this pain and suffer in this way. I wish there was more I could say, I wish there was something that I could say to take it all away for you to make it easier better in any way. Just know that we are all here for you and will help and support you in anyway we possible can. I have everything crossed that the blood will reabsorb that you will gain some vision back and you can continue your fight for Milla with as much vision as possible.

    Just because the window may be blurry and unclear does not stop the beauty of the soul shining through. You truly have a wonderful soul and it will always shine through.

  • Sonia Life Love Hiccups , Direct link to comment

    Oh sweet girl – I am sending you so much love at the moment. Life is so unfair the way it dishes out shit on the wrong people. You of all people do not deserve this and I am so so sorry you are going through this. Huge hugs to you beautiful xx

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